WASHINGTON—Making an emphatic appeal to the court in the wake of yet another indictment, former President Donald Trump reportedly asked Judge Tanya Chutkan on Thursday to throw out the case so as not to ruin his future swimming career. “If I may make one humble request from the court, your honor, it’d be that you please keep in mind the burgeoning competitive swimming career at stake when handing down your judgment,” said Trump, who informed the judge she should definitely talk to his buddy Blake before making any rash decisions, noting that “he’s an experienced swimmer who says my butterfly technique is perfect.” “I’m not proud of the way I tried to seize power following the 2020 election, but I didn’t hurt anybody. If I’m found guilty, they’ll take away my swimming scholarship and kick me off the team. I’m the captain, your honor. This would derail my entire future. One mark like this on my record would mean saying goodbye forever to my chance at the Olympics. I’d hate to throw away all the years of 4 a.m. training, the thousands spent on lessons, and the countless hours shaving my body for one stupid mistake.” At press time, the judge agreed that a young man with a promising future like Trump didn’t deserve to pay for the mistakes of a couple thousand of his followers.
